Wine Humour

As if buying wine labels weren't obscure and confusing enough, add to that the labels that seem completely out of left field. Some of those labels are meant to be humorous, poking fun at the wine world and appealing to wine geeks who (like myself) love this stuff. Here are some of my favorites. 

1. Goats Do Roam
This one always makes me laugh when I see it. The name is borrowed from Cotes Du Rhone, the AOC that covers the Rhone winemaking area. Goats Do Roam is made in South Africa, with a blend of Pinotage along with a handful of grapes that would typically be found in - you guessed it - a Rhone Red Blend.  The winemaker, Charles Shaw, has been in some hot water over how similar sounding the names are - but his defense is that the names come from the herds of goats that run around his vineyards. Either way, I don't think the Cote du Rhone has anything to worry about, as only  people who are familiar with the name will recognize the label as anything. 




2. Goat Roti
The same producer makes another wine, called Goat Roti. This is an even more direct play on another Rhone appellation, this time the very prestigious Cote Rotie in Northern Rhone. Cote Rotie is known for is expensive bottles of Syrah, of which they add a little white Viognier to to add floral aromas. Goat Roti, is also made with Syrah and Viognier. tsk, tsk - tongue in cheek indeed.



3. Chat-en-Oeuf
Okay, okay - this is the last dig on Rhone I'll put in this post, but I think this is so cute and funny. This label is of a cat sitting on an egg, but in French - chat en oeuf - sounds a whole lot like ChateauNeuf; as in Chateauneuf-du-Pape, another well-known Rhone AOC where 13 grape varieties can/are used. As for chat-en-oeuf - a 'Product of France' - who knows.




4. Longue-Dog
Admittedly, this one is a stretch. Longue-dog is supposed to sound like Languedoc, as in Languedoc Rousillion. In fact - this wine is made with the typical grapes of the region and is made -in- the Languedoc. I am not really sure the reasons why the winemaker wouldn't follow whatever restrictions required to be able to just write  the AOC on the bottle, but to each his own, I guess. Sketchy stuff.


5. Oh... Schist!
This next one is probably the geekiest of all the bottles on this list. In fact, Oh... Schist! is actually made in the Mosel-Saar-Ruwer of Germany, an area known for producing good Riesling, as well as vertical vineyards that line the banks of the Mosel River and the steep, rocky shale outcroppings where the vines thrive. And there in-lies the joke. 
Shale=Schist. 
And the image of the crack in the bottle is supposed to have been from a piece of schist. Funny. 
What's more is that there is no explanation of this on the bottle, you either know or you don't.


6. Cat's Pee on a Gooseberry Bush

Finally, the most ridiculous bottle of them all - a New Zealand Sauvignon Blanc that isn't taking itself to seriously. Sauvignon Blancs are known for their capacity to smell a bi like cat pee, especially the bold expressions that come from New Zealand. In the wine-world, we joke about this pee-smell with one another all of the time, but to a guest in a restaurant - you might describe this same smell as "underripe gooseberry". Either way, this wine embraces both. I guess you can't say they didn't warn you. 

Wine and Cheese Infographic, along with my own thoughts

I've been wanting to find a comprehensive and credible infographic to help as a visual guide when making a wine and cheese pairing. When I wasn't satisfied with what the internet had to offer I decided to make one myself. However, infographics take a long time to make so I figured I would post one in the meantime and then expand on it a little.

By the way, thank you Whole Foods for this image. (and for the bounty of wonderful cheeses). http://wholefoodslovelocal.com/sites/default/files/WF_LL_web_Infograph_Cheese_03.png

For the most part, I completely agree with this infographic. However, where these always fall short for me is when I don't see a cheese I eat all of the time or I wine that I might want to pair. In fact, I encountered such a limitation just the other day.  I had purchased a bottle of Malvasia from the toro DOC in Spain. Having only associated Malvasia as a blending grape, or used in the production of Madeira, I had to make some decisions regarding how I was going to pair this. I had some Narragansett Creamery Ricotta (a very high quality, creamy Ricotta) and figured I could use figs if the wine was fruity, or some olive oil and smoked salt if the wine was fuller-bodied and nutty. 

(I went with the figs!)

What's the deal? New World vs. Old World

Perhaps you've heard of the terms New World Wine and  Old World Wine. If you haven't, that is perfectly okay! I am going to explain what those terms mean, what the differences are and why they're important. I've been thinking about these differences a lot as I prepare for my exams.

Old World Wine: Generally, this refers to wine made in Europe, however it is so much more than that. Old world wine-making is concerned with terroir, tradition, minimal human intervention. Wines tend to be much more subtle, nuances, or complex. Old World wine regions include France, Italy, Spain, Portugal, Austria, Germany, Greece (Hungary, Israel, Romania, Slovakia, Slovenia, Croatia, Cyprus, Switzerland, England, Macedonia). Because Old World style is based on traditional and sometimes antiquated winemaking practices that have been passed down through the generations, it is spreading very slowly, often limited to its advocates.  Many of these practices are now regulated by strict laws to preserve an area’s authenticity. Old World wine styles are not limited to Old World regions, winemakers sometimes create wine in New World regions with an Old World style.

New World Wine: When talking about the new world, its a reference to countries colonized by Europeans and regions that are new to wine production. Wine-makers in the New World adopt their techniques from the Old World and expanded upon them. Many of these wine regions were started within the last 100 years and are designed for modern agriculture. Examples of New World Regions are the United States, Australia, New Zealand, Argentina, Chile, South Africa, (China, India, Uruguay, Brazil, Mexico, Canada). As opposed to the Old World, New World Style is spreading quickly, focusing on trends, technology and efficiency. Wines tend to be more bold and expressive. 

Is one style better than another? Not necessarily. Even in the New World, winemakers strive to replicate the wines that hail from the Old World. And in some areas of the old world, winemakers will make a bolder, trendier expression of their timeless wines as well. 

Opening Sparkling Wine

Maybe I am the only person to seriously worry about opening bottles of champagne or sparking wine, but I thought I'd make a video to demonstrate.

Corks can seriously shoot out and injure people, especially if you haven't properly chilled down your bottle (which absolutely happens) and if you aren't taking the proper steps to remove the cork.

Under as much as 90psi they can shoot out at like 50 mph and if you get hit in the eye there's a 50% chance that eye will be permanently blind. 

That's why it's imperative for not just wine and F&B professionals, but anyone enjoying a bottle of sparkling wine to practice some conscientiousness to precaution.

Accoutremonts!

When I put together a cheeseboard I like to include accompaniments that are thoughtful, interesting and, of course, homemade. These items range from jams, cooked fruits, candied items, brittles and beyond. The scope is as big as the culinary mind can fathom. So as promised, here are the recipes I talked about last time in A Well Curated Cheeseboard.

Vanilla-Bourbon Apple Butter

This spin on apple butter goes so well with aged-gouda or a sharp cheedar. The warmth from the bourbon and vanilla really rounds out the cooked apple sweetness and adds so much more-ish complexity. Add it with a savory cheese and you’ll have found heaven.

Ingredients:
6 pounds Apples, Peeled, Cored, And Quartered

4 cups Sugar

1 teaspoon Ground Cloves

2 teaspoons Ground Cinnamon

1 cup Bourbon Of Your Choice

1 vanilla bean.

Directions:

Prepare a large skillet, that will hold all of the apples along with three cups of water. Add the three cups of water. Heat water until boiling. Then, lower heat enough that the boil is maintained but it’s not an agressive boil. Soften apples, occasionally rotating them so they all achieve a nice soft texture, but not mushy. This will take about 30 minutes.

Next add apples, a few at a time, to a food processor and puree until all a uniform texture and size. But make sure they do not liquify. Get rid of any remaining water from the saucepan/skillet before returning apple puree to the pan.

When puree is complete, add back to your large skillet/saucepan and cover with 4 cups of sugar, cloves, cinnamon and 1 cup of bourbon. Bring this to a nice simmer and stir frequently, ensuring none of the puree burns to the bottom.

Cranberry-Habanero Chutney

Cranberries aren’t just for thanksgiving anymore. They are a delicious way to incorporate enticing bitter flavor to food and really go well in this chutney with the smoky, fresh chili flavor of the habaneros. Note, when cooking cranberries whole – once the berries pop, avoid keeping them on the heat for much longer, as they will begin to develop a pronounced bitterness.

Ingredients: 

2 pounds fresh cranberries

4 navel oranges; peeled with piths removed and juiced.

2 habeneros, finely minced

2 tablespoons red wine winegar

3/4 cup granulated sugar

3/4 cup light brown sugar

1/4 cup minced fresh ginger

Salt and freshly ground pepper

Directions:

In a large saucepan, combine the cranberries with 1/2 cup of reserved orange juice from the bowl and bring to a simmer over moderate heat. Cover and cook over moderately low heat, stirring occasionally, until the cranberries have popped, about 10 minutes. Add the vinegar, both sugars, the ginger, habanero and orange pieces and cook over moderate heat, stirring occasionally, until thick, about 5 minutes. Let cool slightly, then season with salt and pepper. Serve warm or at room temperature.

Candied Bacon

Uhm- bacon glazed with real maple, brown sugar and Dijon? ‘nough said. Make this, because if your friends find out that you read this post and you didn't, there will be trouble.

Ingredients:

1 lb. good quality bacon, sliced

2 tbsp. pure maple syrup

¼ c. brown sugar

2 tsp. Dijon mustard

½ tsp. Kosher salt

¼ tsp cayenne pepper

Directions:

Preheat your oven to 350 F.

Wrap a rimmed baking sheet with aluminum foil and top with a wire rack.

In a large bowl, add the maple syrup, brown sugar, Dijon mustard, Kosher salt, and cayenne pepper. Mix well.

Place the bacon in a single layer onto the wire rack. Baste bacon with the glaze on both sides, making sure that all of the slices are evenly coated.

Bake in the center of the oven for about 20 minutes. The bacon will be a bit brown, but will most likely need to bake for another 10-15 minutes. It should look slightly dark (not burnt) and crispy. If you take it out too soon, the texture will be chewy, so be patient.

Remove from the oven and cool for 5 minutes on the rack. Don't let them sit too long or else they will stick.

Serve at room temperature.

Chipotle Pepita Bark

You can swap out the pepita seeds for any nut in this this recipe, and feel free to swap out the chipotle if a spicy kick isn't your thing.

Ingredients:

Vegetable-oil spray or 1 teaspoon butter, for lining the tray

2 cups sugar

4 ounces (1 stick) salted or unsalted butter

1/3 cup light corn syrup

1/2 teaspoon baking soda

2 teaspoons to 1 1/2 tablespoons coarse or flaky sea salt (use less if you’re using salted butter)

1 1/2 cups of raw, unroasted pepitas (they toast in the syrup) or 12 ounces (3/4 pound) roasted, salted nuts, not chopped

Directions:

Line a 12x16x1/2-inch sheet baking pan with a silpat (or parchment paper lightly coat it with vegetable spray or butter).

Put the sugar, butter, corn syrup, and 1/2 cup plus 2 tablespoons water to a large saucepan, and stir together until all the sugar is wet. Cook over high medium-high, but watch it carefully as it will foam up quite a bit and you might need to dial back the heat to medium until it begins to thicken.

Once the mixture turns a medium golden (takes at least 10 minutes) immediately remove from the heat, and carefully whisk in the baking soda followed by the salt (taking care, as the caramel will rise in the pan and bubble some more). Switch to a wooden or metal spoon, and fold in the pepitas or nuts.

Quickly pour the mixture onto the sheet pan, and spread it out over the pan using the back of the spoon before it starts to harden. Alternately, you can slide the parchment paper out of the baking pan and onto a counter, cover it with another sheet, and use a rolling pin, pressing down hard, to roll it out as flat and thin as you would like.

At this point you can either let it cool completely (pulling off the top sheet of parchment, if you use the rolling pin technique) and break it into bite-size pieces with the back of a knife or other blunt object or, while it is still fairly hot and pliable, cut it into a shape of your choice (I went for long, thinnish strips) and let the pieces cool, separated on parchment paper.

The brittle can be stored at room temperature, in an airtight container, for up to two weeks. I like to separate the pieces between layers of parchment or waxed paper, as a little humidity can cause them to stick together.

The Well Curated Cheeseboard

Putting together a good cheeseboard can feel like a daunting task, especially if you are incorporating an array of interesting, high-quality artisan cheese. The spectrum of cheese available is overwhelming on it's own - and when considering not every category or style will appeal to everybody's palate - curating a good group of cheese can quickly become incredibly stressful, in addition to unrealistically expensive. Relax though, my cheese-lovers, because here is your primer on what to consider when putting together a cheeseboard.

For starters, consider the number of people who will be eating the cheese.  Is the cheese the main event? Estimate about 6-7 oz. per person. Are you serving this as an appetizer or as a part of a bigger dinner? Go for 2-3 oz. per person. If the cheese will be served at dessert, 1-1 ½ oz. per person is appropriate. Once you get an estimate of how much cheese you will need, the next step is to consider who will be eating it. Is the group mostly finicky eaters or are they adventurous? Are they self-proclaimed cheese enthusiasts or full-blown cheese snobs? I am a firm-believer in what I like to refer to as gateway cheeses, a gettable, delicious, crowd-pleaser that is easy to find in any Whole Foods but is typically something most people haven’t tried before. A good gateway cheese will convince the pickiest to try different cheeses on the cheese board. With that being said, determine the number of varieties you would like to include, and then narrow down your options from there. I like to take a less quantity, more variety approach to my cheeseboards, but odd numbers of 3 or 5 are usually the best.

Some tips for incorporating variety:
Choose a variety of milk types: Cow, Sheep, Goat
Choose cheeses with different textures: Soft, supple, sticky, firm, hard, crumbly
Choose a variety of different flavor profiles: Bloomy, Sharp, Salty, Nutty, Tangy, Funky

Typically – everyone likes sharp cheddar. Aged gouda like beemster or saenkanter, parmigiano reggiano and its sisters, grano padano and piave are all well-loved.  Make sure you talk to the cheesemonger and get their input, but before you purchase anything, always, always, ALWAYS try the cheese. If you don’t like it, don’t buy it; sometimes – especially with bleu cheeses and soft, bloomy rind cheeses, lax storage and handling can draw out unfavorable flavors in otherwise great flavored cheese like pronounced ammonia.

In the picture below, I went with:
1. Quebec 4 year cheddar: Cow’s Milk; Sharp and salty with caramel notes and protein crystals.
2. Beemster XO: Cow’s Milk; Nutty and malty, with butterscotch and whiskey notes.
3. Petit Basque: Sheep’s Milk; Creamy and sweet with salty and nutty finish.
4. Midnight Moon: Goat’s Milk; Creamy and supple with brown butter and caramel notes and protein crystals.
5. Bonne Bouche: Goat’s Milk; Bloomy with creamy earthiness.
6. Brillat Savarin: Cow’s Milk; Fresh creaminess with rich butter.
7. Chiriboga Blue: Cow’s Milk; Buttery with mushroom earthiness.
8. Rogue River Blue: Cow’s Milk; Dense, vegetal and smoky.

 The next thing to consider are accompaniments. Some kind of charcuterie, like a dry cured salumi, are always appreciated, as well an array of crackers, jams, nuts – you name it. Avoid putting toppings directly on the cheese, as this will detract from the subtleties in the cheese itself.  Marcona almonds, big juicy grapes, and sliced fruits look nice and offer a variety of textural diversity visually and on the palate.

The accompaniments on my board are:
9. Olli Chorizo
10. Marcona Almonds
11. Grapes
12. Port Poached Pear*
13. Honey
14. Cranberry Habanero Chutney*
15. Bourbon Vanilla Apple Butter*
16. Candied Bacon*
17. Chipotle Pepita Brittle*

*Recipes to follow

Make sure you have a board big enough to hold everything you want to serve, as well as attractive jars to highlight to accompaniments you’re serving too. Baby spoons and appropriate knives are needed for each cheese and side you are serving.

Some quick tips:
Precut your cheese into portions. If you leave this up to your guests, you will end up with a huge mess on the board.
Let all the cheese come to room temperature before serving; cold inhibits flavor.
Place Cheeses on the board in a logical flow; think mild to pungent, timeless to adventurous or grouped by milk type. Place the best accompaniments for that cheese nearby.
Make labels and write a little description.
Leave the mass-produced, vacuum wrapped grocery aisle cheese for sandwiches – this is the big leagues baby! The rinds they are a-changin’!